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Chad and I are Breaking Up

It’s amazing how fast things change when you’re not paying attention. I never saw us breaking up. I let myself sink, no dive, into the idea that we were becoming a happy family. I have textbook daddy issues and as self-aware as I may be, I really didn’t see this coming.

Breaking Up with my Boyfriend

I was so desperate to have a complete family that I put the blinders on and didn’t see the signs. Chad was honest with me, and still I chose to ignore it.

You see, I have two children, Adam and Chesney. But I also cannot have any more children. And, to be honest, I don’t want anymore either. Chad always said he wanted kids but that he was happy with me. And all he ever wanted was to be happy so everything was fine.

While dating–as a single mom, it’s hard because it’s not like you’re going to include your kids right away–I was behaving like a single person. Meaning, a girl without kids. Sure, he knew since day one (really before even that since I’ve known him a while) that I have kids, don’t want and can’t have anymore… but he was getting to know just me. We fell in love. And, wow, I loved him completely.

But that’s the problem. He fell in love with me; I = me + 2 kids + shotty uterus + rescue cat + all the rest of my odd collection of family members. I failed to realize that he only fell in love with the ‘me’ part of that equation. I was so blinded by my feelings for him I didn’t see it. We were busy having fun. Vacationing together, going out when the kids were asleep… but not realistically having much ‘family’ time.

After getting more and more acquainted with being a family he realized that this can’t work for the long term. He wants his own kids.

Thankfully, we were not living together yet. But he was spending about 5 nights a week here. The kids were used to having him around and so was I. I am now haunted by things in my house. My DVR recorded all the shows we would only watch together. The bottle of wine we bought in Hawaii to share on our anniversary sits there unopened. It’s like my space is polluted with all these things now. At every glance my heart sinks and I choke on the sobs I don’t want my kids to see.

My calendar is riddled with all the plans we made together and it makes me so sad. It’s like detox. I have to mentally and physically remove him from my plans. I hate this so much.

I’m so mad at myself. I will now have to tell my kids–who fell in love with him just as I did–that it didn’t work. I plan on waiting as long as possible so there is a bit of weaning time where they haven’t seen him, and so that I have a little more time to heal and can control my emotions.

Pathetic. I wish I were stronger. This hurts so bad it’s sickening.

Mental trickery is the worst. While sleep is almost impossible, I managed to fall in long enough to have a dream last night. I dreamt that Chad was teaching me how to ski and I totally sucked. So we just fell into the snow together playing. Really?! WTF  Thanks a lot brain. I woke up smiling and then I remembered that it’s over.

I wish this road to healing wasn’t paved with shattered glass and that I had remembered my shoes.

My reason for posting this is to just be honest and outward with what we are going through. It is not meant to make Chad look bad. I understand what happened. It just sucks. I wish I could say we’ll stay friends, but I really don’t know if I can handle that. Plus, I kinda need to hate him right now.

Plus, I know people will wonder what happened and rather than repeat the story a hundred times… here it is. It just wasn’t meant to be.

But I am walking away from this with new knowledge. I failed to protect my children and myself by indulging in self-fulfilling blindness. For that, I am so sorry. All I can do now is learn from it and never let it happen again.

JR Pickett (Vicki Vix on r/c form)

Wednesday 11th of April 2012

I understand how you feel having gone through this last year. At least there were no kids involved in my case. But I had moved in. It took him a week to decide that that wasn't what he wanted and then I was gone. He didn't even let me pack up the stuff I had moved into his house. In fact we were on our way to pick up more stuff -or so I thought (silly me!)- when he told me in the car 5 minutes from my "old" home. I too thought I was self-aware and had learnt from previous mistakes. What I forgot is that there are always more mistakes to be made. It's taken some time but I'm finally over him and ready to move on. It will take you some time but you too will recover and that "we" in all your plans will become "I". Hate him as much as you need to. But remember each experience makes you a better and stronger person for having gone though it and it's his loss, not yours. Best of luck, you will be in my thoughts.

Ruth Hill

Sunday 18th of March 2012

I am so sorry. I think we have all been there for sure. I am a single mom, too, and it seems like we women so want to be wanted and loved that we don't see things as they really are. Thankfully you weren't living together or married yet. My thoughts and prayers are with you this morning.

Margaret MacKenzie

Friday 16th of March 2012

I don't know you but I am sending positive thoughts and hugs your way. I stayed in a relationship for 20 years, with a man that didn't want children and I already had one when we met...he didn't want her either. I failed to see it and didn't realize the extent of the damage that I might be causing my baby girl. Hindsight is always 20/20. Don't beat yourself up...your children will always be there for you and will love you no matter what but be honest with them and talk to them like people, they appreciate that.

Sharon

Friday 16th of March 2012

I'm so sorry! It's been a few years since I've experienced a break up, but boy do I recall the pain and the sleepless nights. And the dreams. The thing I tried to do whenever I was going through a break up was to try new things. Move forward with my life, spend the time that would have spent with the guy doing something else. I said yes to as many invitations to do things as I could, tried new hobbies etc. Again, I'm so sorry! Praying for you.

Carolyn

Friday 16th of March 2012

You are a braver woman than I am. Life has been battering me around for 28 month, and counting. The worst have been the last 6. I too blogged about my truth, but left out many sad, and sometimes sordid, details as it was just all too much. I understand exactly how you feel following your heart with blinders on. All to easy to do with the wrong wonderful man. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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