It’s amazing how fast things change when you’re not paying attention. I never saw us breaking up. I let myself sink, no dive, into the idea that we were becoming a happy family. I have textbook daddy issues and as self-aware as I may be, I really didn’t see this coming.
Breaking Up with my Boyfriend
I was so desperate to have a complete family that I put the blinders on and didn’t see the signs. Chad was honest with me, and still I chose to ignore it.
You see, I have two children, Adam and Chesney. But I also cannot have any more children. And, to be honest, I don’t want anymore either. Chad always said he wanted kids but that he was happy with me. And all he ever wanted was to be happy so everything was fine.
While dating–as a single mom, it’s hard because it’s not like you’re going to include your kids right away–I was behaving like a single person. Meaning, a girl without kids. Sure, he knew since day one (really before even that since I’ve known him a while) that I have kids, don’t want and can’t have anymore… but he was getting to know just me. We fell in love. And, wow, I loved him completely.
But that’s the problem. He fell in love with me; I = me + 2 kids + shotty uterus + rescue cat + all the rest of my odd collection of family members. I failed to realize that he only fell in love with the ‘me’ part of that equation. I was so blinded by my feelings for him I didn’t see it. We were busy having fun. Vacationing together, going out when the kids were asleep… but not realistically having much ‘family’ time.
After getting more and more acquainted with being a family he realized that this can’t work for the long term. He wants his own kids.
Thankfully, we were not living together yet. But he was spending about 5 nights a week here. The kids were used to having him around and so was I. I am now haunted by things in my house. My DVR recorded all the shows we would only watch together. The bottle of wine we bought in Hawaii to share on our anniversary sits there unopened. It’s like my space is polluted with all these things now. At every glance my heart sinks and I choke on the sobs I don’t want my kids to see.
My calendar is riddled with all the plans we made together and it makes me so sad. It’s like detox. I have to mentally and physically remove him from my plans. I hate this so much.
I’m so mad at myself. I will now have to tell my kids–who fell in love with him just as I did–that it didn’t work. I plan on waiting as long as possible so there is a bit of weaning time where they haven’t seen him, and so that I have a little more time to heal and can control my emotions.
Pathetic. I wish I were stronger. This hurts so bad it’s sickening.
Mental trickery is the worst. While sleep is almost impossible, I managed to fall in long enough to have a dream last night. I dreamt that Chad was teaching me how to ski and I totally sucked. So we just fell into the snow together playing. Really?! WTF Thanks a lot brain. I woke up smiling and then I remembered that it’s over.
I wish this road to healing wasn’t paved with shattered glass and that I had remembered my shoes.
My reason for posting this is to just be honest and outward with what we are going through. It is not meant to make Chad look bad. I understand what happened. It just sucks. I wish I could say we’ll stay friends, but I really don’t know if I can handle that. Plus, I kinda need to hate him right now.
Plus, I know people will wonder what happened and rather than repeat the story a hundred times… here it is. It just wasn’t meant to be.
But I am walking away from this with new knowledge. I failed to protect my children and myself by indulging in self-fulfilling blindness. For that, I am so sorry. All I can do now is learn from it and never let it happen again.
Dawn @ Just Married with Coupons says
Oh Shelley, my heart goes out to you during this time ;( I know there isn’t much to say to make you feel better, but I’ll be thinking of you!
You really nailed it.. dating when you have children is a whole different ball game with its own set of challenges and rewards.
Throw away that calender and make a new one with your kids!
Shelley says
Thanks Dawn. I love your suggestion to start a new calendar. I think that will be tomorrow’s project!
Melissa H. says
Hugs!
Not a Perfect Mom says
Oh Shelley! I’m so sorry…for you and for your kids…
For sure this will be tough…but you can do this…
Hugs!
Ravzie says
Best of luck to you.
Dusty B says
Please email if you need to talk! I’m also going through a breakup with my boyfriend of 4 years and my daughter’s daddy. It’s hard, but I have to believe there’s a light on the other side. Relationships are hard and can quickly go awry when you’re not looking, that’s for sure!
Shelley says
Oh Dusty, I’m sorry. That goes for you as well–email me anytime! And yes, I think each day, I will realize more and more that this is a learning experience. Right now I just want to barf and assume the fetal position. But that isn’t really an option. Gross.
Lori D. says
I am so, so sorry to hear this. But once the sadness is gone you’ll remember that everything happens for a reason. And also remember that your family of followers is still here and we appreciate everything you do for us! Sending big ~hugs~ your way for you and the kids. Feel better soon. 🙂
Shelley says
Thank you so much. All these comments are really touching.
Kelly B says
Shelley I am terribly sorry. I do understand what you are going through. I was in a similar boat for way too long. I agree that dating as a single mom is tough, and sometimes even the man we fall in love with also thinks he is in love with the whole package and not just us. In the long run, you can do everything you think is right but something can still not work. 🙁 I know that in the end you will move on and find the relationship happiness your family deserves. In the meantime I am sure you will find much happiness in the fabulous family you have.
Carrie Phelps says
I’m so sorry. I had the same sort of incident happen. I dated the man for 5 years before we married … one year into our marriage he told me he decided he didn’t want to be a step father. It still pains me 15 yrs. later to think about this. My kids were 4 & 7 when we started our relationship & 10 & 13 when it ended. How the hell do you decide this after all that time? it was a package deal from day one.
There’s a bigger plan out there for you & your children. Be strong.
Kayla @ TheEclecticElement says
Aw, I’m so sorry Shelly! I don’t have any kids, so I really can’t relate, but I CAN relate to heartbreak, and it does SUCK with a capital HURT 🙁
I really hope you and both of your kids can heal and move past this quickly (as quick as a broken heart can let you). One thing you just have to keep telling yourself is this happened for a reason-He was in your life for a reason and he left for a reason. Unfortunately it’s a reason you don’t know right now, but at one time in the future, you’ll have that ‘ah-ha’ moment and know why.
Until then, be strong and I’m sending lots of love and light your guys way!
Barbara Montag says
I’m so sorry to hear this – a big loss for you.
Big hugs for you and the kids!
[email protected] and More says
Sorry to hear that!
Kimberly @Saving More Than Me says
So sorry to hear you are hurting. It sounded like he had some blinders on too. Take some time to grieve and heal and don’t be so hard on yourself. Hugs.
Dianna Thomas says
I’m so sorry Shelly– I know its hard right now–but i will get better. AND your saying , sure, ya, when?!! I’ve been there– and darn it hurts so bad,but it does get better—Mr.Wonderful is out there. This is like the training wheels, before you really get to ride, thats all..
sandy weinstein says
so sorry to hear. i feel badly for both you and your kids. it can sometimes be harder on the kids since they are young.
i gave up on men years ago. i have my 3 little 4 legged girls and they complete my life. they give me unconditional love which men dont do….for that matter, most people dont these days. people have become “me” people, only concerned abt themselves. i used to talk to my mother yrs ago abt this and she said people are not like they used to be….i even had x-boyfriends tell me that i was too nice and too giving, too trusting….so i just hung up the towel with the last jerk 5 yrs ago after he swore he loved me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, have kids, a little girl that looked just like me, talked abt moving in together, when we were going to, abt building a house together, floor plans, how many dogs to have, horses, etc. he was the one that brought all of this up, not me, i told him it was too soon, we needed more time…then he confessed he had been screwing around on me, online dating. i even took him to the airport several times thinking he was going on a business trip and he was going to visit someone he met online. he even canceled a wkend date w/ me stating that he was going bike riding with friends, i rode by his house, he had flown someone he had met online to stay w/ him for the wkend. then he started seeing someone that was abt 26 yrs younger, wore a nose ring, had tattoes all over her….completely opposite from me and anyone he had ever dated. he begged me for 2 yrs to go out w/ him b4 i even went out w/ him….so that was it…w/ men!
Char says
I’m sorry to read that, even though I don’t know you. But as someone who has been married 23 years, I can tell you that maybe this was meant to be and you will thank Chad one day for this. I know it sounds crazy, but I had an ex that broke my heart, but if that hadn’t happened I would not have met my husband and have the family I do now. Now I mentally thank that ex for breaking my heart, he did me the worlds biggest favor. He’s nothing but a distant memory now. Good luck to you!!
Carolyn says
You are a braver woman than I am. Life has been battering me around for 28 month, and counting. The worst have been the last 6. I too blogged about my truth, but left out many sad, and sometimes sordid, details as it was just all too much. I understand exactly how you feel following your heart with blinders on. All to easy to do with the wrong wonderful man. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sharon says
I’m so sorry! It’s been a few years since I’ve experienced a break up, but boy do I recall the pain and the sleepless nights. And the dreams. The thing I tried to do whenever I was going through a break up was to try new things. Move forward with my life, spend the time that would have spent with the guy doing something else. I said yes to as many invitations to do things as I could, tried new hobbies etc. Again, I’m so sorry! Praying for you.
Margaret MacKenzie says
I don’t know you but I am sending positive thoughts and hugs your way. I stayed in a relationship for 20 years, with a man that didn’t want children and I already had one when we met…he didn’t want her either. I failed to see it and didn’t realize the extent of the damage that I might be causing my baby girl. Hindsight is always 20/20. Don’t beat yourself up…your children will always be there for you and will love you no matter what but be honest with them and talk to them like people, they appreciate that.
Ruth Hill says
I am so sorry. I think we have all been there for sure. I am a single mom, too, and it seems like we women so want to be wanted and loved that we don’t see things as they really are. Thankfully you weren’t living together or married yet. My thoughts and prayers are with you this morning.
JR Pickett (Vicki Vix on r/c form) says
I understand how you feel having gone through this last year. At least there were no kids involved in my case. But I had moved in. It took him a week to decide that that wasn’t what he wanted and then I was gone. He didn’t even let me pack up the stuff I had moved into his house. In fact we were on our way to pick up more stuff -or so I thought (silly me!)- when he told me in the car 5 minutes from my “old” home. I too thought I was self-aware and had learnt from previous mistakes. What I forgot is that there are always more mistakes to be made. It’s taken some time but I’m finally over him and ready to move on. It will take you some time but you too will recover and that “we” in all your plans will become “I”. Hate him as much as you need to. But remember each experience makes you a better and stronger person for having gone though it and it’s his loss, not yours. Best of luck, you will be in my thoughts.