I’m a Divorce Attorney: 8 “Small” Habits That Almost Always Predict a Split
Most people imagine divorce begins with a blowout fight, a dramatic betrayal, or some sudden catastrophic event. The truth? After years inside courtrooms and across mediation tables, the pattern I see over and over again is far more subtle. It’s the quiet stuff. The small, daily behaviors that barely register as warning signs – until they do.
The habits I’m about to walk you through might look ordinary on the surface. A sigh here, a shrug there, an avoided conversation at dinner. Honestly, that’s exactly what makes them so dangerous. Let’s dive in.
1. Stonewalling During Arguments
When stonewalling becomes a habit, communication shuts down completely. It can look like walking away in the middle of a conversation, staring off without responding, refusing to acknowledge what’s being said, or acting as if the other person’s concerns are unimportant. It feels, from the outside, like someone just flipped a switch and left the room emotionally. Think of it like trying to have a conversation with a brick wall – except the wall used to be your partner.
Over time, this silence can be more damaging than arguments, because it creates the sense that the relationship no longer has a voice. The result is a marriage where one or both partners feel isolated and emotionally abandoned. In my experience, couples who stonewall consistently rarely find their way back without serious intervention.
2. Contempt – The Single Most Destructive Habit
According to Gottman’s research from 1994, contempt is the number one predictor of divorce within the first six years of marriage. Research from 2019 also suggests that harboring contempt is a predictor of illness and poor well-being. That’s not just a relationship problem. That’s a physical health problem. I’ve sat across from couples where one partner eye-rolls every single thing the other says, and I already know where things are headed.
Of all the predictors, contempt is often the most damaging. Contempt is when one spouse looks at the other with disdain. It may show up as sarcasm, eye-rolling, mocking, or outright hostility. Unlike criticism, which focuses on behavior, contempt attacks the person’s very sense of worth. It communicates disgust rather than disappointment. Once contempt has taken root, respect is gone, and without respect, a marriage has little left to stand on.
3. Chronic Criticism That Targets Character
One of the clearest signs of a troubled marriage is criticism. Criticism goes beyond a complaint about a specific issue – it attacks the character of your partner. There’s a world of difference between “I wish you’d helped with dinner tonight” and “You never help me with anything.” The first is a complaint. The second is an assault on who someone is as a person. That distinction matters enormously.
Criticism can have devastating effects when the spouse feels assaulted, rejected, and hurt. When these criticisms repeat themselves with greater frequency, it leads to the couple falling into an escalating and destructive pattern. What begins as a small habit of finding fault snowballs into a relationship where nothing one partner does ever feels good enough. I’ve seen that cycle destroy marriages that looked perfectly fine from the outside.
4. Defensiveness as a Default Response
The fourth predictor of divorce is defensiveness. Everyone has a natural tendency to defend themselves when they feel attacked, but in troubled marriages, defensiveness becomes a constant pattern. It’s like two people simultaneously holding up shields – nobody can actually reach the other, nothing gets resolved, and the distance grows with every single argument.
Defensiveness shifts blame, invalidates feelings, and prevents resolution. Instead of supporting the relationship, defensiveness is about self-protection. When both spouses are locked in defensiveness, nothing gets resolved. Here’s the thing – it’s one of the hardest habits to break precisely because it feels justified in the moment. You feel attacked, so you defend. It makes complete sense, right up until it destroys everything.
5. Consistently Ignoring Bids for Connection
This one surprises people the most, and honestly it’s the one I find most heartbreaking. When it comes to preventing divorce, it’s easy to focus on the significant relationship issues – infidelity, conflict, or drifting apart. What Gottman’s research shows us is that the most potent predictor of a relationship’s success or failure often lies in the small, everyday moments of how you respond to your partner’s bids for connection. Whether it’s a casual question, a touch, or a quiet sigh, these are the heartbeat of a relationship.
In the 1990s, Gottman and his team at the University of Washington observed the interactions of 130 newlywed couples and followed up with them six years later. They found that those who were still married had turned toward each other roughly 86% of the time during the observation period, while those who ended up divorcing had turned toward each other just 33% of the time. That gap – between being present and being checked out – is where marriages quietly die.
6. Financial Secrecy and “Money Hiding”
Financial infidelity occurs when one spouse spends significant amounts of money without the other’s knowledge or hides the full extent of their spending habits. This can show up in many forms, from gambling and compulsive shopping to secret credit card debt. Even something as seemingly small as a pattern of undisclosed online purchases can accumulate into a serious breach of trust. When spouses are not transparent with each other about their financial reality, the dishonesty can cause just as much harm as any other form of betrayal.
Keeping financial secrets from a spouse – such as a secret bank account or debt – is surprisingly common, with roughly two in five U.S. adults admitting to it. Beyond eroding trust within the relationship, financial secrets can also affect future savings and spending, potentially jeopardizing important life transitions such as buying a house, paying for children’s college tuition, or retiring. I’ve seen couples where one partner had no idea about a debt mountain the other had been building for years. That discovery rarely ends well.
7. Letting Shared Goals Quietly Drift Apart
Life is made up of many chapters, and in marriage, each new chapter requires alignment and communication between partners. One of the major predictors of divorce is when spouses find that their goals, visions for the future, and personal aspirations no longer line up, or when they are unable to discuss those differences openly. It’s a slow drift, like two ships that started in the same harbor and gradually sail in different directions. You don’t notice it until you look up and the other boat is barely visible on the horizon.
As people evolve, their priorities, values, and interests may change. Couples who fail to grow together often find themselves drifting apart. The emphasis on personal growth and self-fulfillment has led many to reevaluate their partnerships, particularly if their goals no longer align. The habit that predicts divorce here isn’t the disagreement itself. It’s the consistent avoidance of having those honest, uncomfortable conversations about where each person actually wants to go.
8. Starting Difficult Conversations With a “Harsh Startup”
When a discussion leads off with criticism or sarcasm, it has begun with a “harsh startup.” Research shows that the outcome of a conversation can be predicted based on the first three minutes of the interaction roughly 96% of the time. Think about that for a second. The first three minutes. That’s how much time it takes to essentially set the trajectory of an entire fight – and, over enough fights, an entire marriage.
If a spouse starts an argument by attacking the other spouse, they will end up with at least as much tension as they had when they began the argument, if not more. To avoid this, spouses need to soften their startups. This is crucial for effective conflict resolution and will make the relationship stabler and happier. It sounds almost too simple to matter, but in my years of practice, the couples who consistently launch into conversations with blame and attack are the ones who tend to end up in my office. The habit of the harsh startup is small. Its consequences are anything but.
What You Can Actually Do With This Information
Couples often ask if criticism, contempt, stonewalling, or defensiveness can ever be fixed. In some cases, if both partners are willing to work with a counselor, practice self-awareness, and make real changes, these patterns can improve. But when they have gone on for years or become ingrained in daily life, the damage may be too deep. Awareness genuinely is the first step, and catching these patterns early changes everything.
Marriages rarely fail overnight. They erode gradually through repeated patterns of complacency, transactional interactions, and unresolved conflict. That’s the truth I wish more couples understood before they ever end up needing a divorce attorney. The habits listed here are small, yes – but they’re also reversible, especially if you name them early and decide together to do something different. What would you do if you recognized one of these habits in your own relationship right now?
