In the spirit of sharing too much information–which I tend to being doing an awful lot of lately–you’ve been warned, I can’t wait to tell you about my latest billion dollar idea. It all hit me while my angry uterus was causing immense pain at, as always, the most inconvenient of times.
Billion Dollar Idea
It’s Wednesday and a really cool paid movie review gets dropped on my plate. I get to actually make money while having a girl’s night out with my friends at the movies. Man, sometimes us bloggers really have it good!
Naturally, I wake up in excruciating agony because my rotten womb has decided today is the day it wants to punish me for a lifetime of womanly mistakes. Actually, I don’t know why my uterus hates me so. I may have misbehaved early in life and as a result gotten pregnant at sixteen. But I paid my dues. I owned my consequences and have never been prouder to be a young mom. It saved my life.
But, back to the miserable state my nether-half is in… Each month I hear myself say, “Oh my gawd, this is the worst period of my entire life.” And it’s true. Every Single. Time. My cycle is more extreme every month and it’s gotten to the point where hysterectomy talk is on the table. My tubes are tied and I don’t do well on synthetic hormones so I’ve about had it. However, there are crazy risks involved with a major surgery like that so for now, I just suffer. Alone.
That’s when it hit me. As I am sweating through the pain and the makeup I’m trying to get to stick to my slick skin as I get ready for this girl’s night, I realized how many women are also suffering each month. Everyone I talk to about this seems to have their own horror story with regards to their uterus. Is there something in the water? Is it the sugar-loaded American diet that’s making our collective uteri unhappy? Whatever it may be, we certainly don’t have to be ashamed or alone. Misery loves company, right?
So, I think we need to make a movie theater dedicated to women on their period. It shall be a safe haven of uterine fellowship. Each lazy-girl seat will be supplied with a heating pad, bar(s) of chocolate, Kleenex, and wine. The lush, private bathrooms will be stocked with feminine products and amenities to pamper our raging lady parts.
Movie selections can include those from romantic, comedic, and dramatic genres. The lobby will also have similar amenities so that we may vent about our tumultuous insides.
The dress code shall be strictly enforced. Sweat pants, hoodies, slippers, robes, or whatever you deem worthy of comfort is the only attire allowed. If you’re wearing make-up, it should only be because it’s leftover from work or some other stupid life requirement. Because, here, we’re goin’ ugly. This is our safe zone where we can let loose, and celebrate our internal purge.
Don’t have nasty periods? You’re not welcome here. Just kidding, you can work for us. Or, chaperone the situation should we get completely out of control. In any case, I think this might actually be a billion dollar idea.
Who’s with me?!
P.S. If this isn’t finding magic in a mess, I don’t know what is! 🙂
Russchelle says
September 13, 2016 at 7:59 amAbsolutely love your idea.
Shana Williams says
September 13, 2016 at 9:38 amI wish I’d have thought of it before my hysterectomy!
Lissa Crane says
September 21, 2016 at 9:05 amHysterical! I agree completely and would definitely buy tickets to that movie theater!
Tina Harris says
January 10, 2017 at 11:50 pmOMG..this is too funny! and what an amazing idea!! All the while reading it I’m thinking hmm, who’s going to clean those bathrooms? Some ladies room’s are so gross, this would have to be something that is looked into. LOL As if we are really going to do this. But really it sounds phenomenal. While we are at it we should have a couple of massage therapists on hand to work out those cramps I have in my lower back instead of my stomach, ever since I’ve given birth and had BACK labor I have my stomach aches in my back now!! And the lower back always hurts even when it’s not that time of the month. Please let me know when and where the grand opening will be!!
Shelley says
January 11, 2017 at 7:40 amHi Tina!
I get back cramps too! Always have… I sometimes use TWO heating pads. LOL One for the front and one for the back.
As for cleaning the bathrooms, I thought about this too. I came to the conclusion, this may have to be a members only type theater and you’d have to sign a contract ensuring basic cleanliness. I don’t understand how people can leave such a mess. :/
But, really, I am still chewing on the idea of legit making this happen. 😀
ellen beck says
January 11, 2017 at 3:14 pmHa! Try menopause! If you all get a theater, we on menopause need a theater next door. Only the films would rotate. We would have the weepy ones but also some really wicked fight scenes and yell like madwomen! Our theater would run cold as ice in one area, normal in another section and hot in another.
Having a womb is a pain in the well you know 🙂