Parenting Advice… Help

My son, Adam, 10, has his first “girlfriend.” At first I thought this was cute. Now, I’m somewhat horrified. She calls my cell phone and the house line daily. She has wonderful manners on the phone when I answer but I am shocked at her bravery and persistence. When I was in fifth grade, I would never have had the guts to call a boy–especially knowing I was calling his MOM’S cell phone!

Adam note
adam note 2

Now, I’m finding notes…

My first question was “What the heck happened on Tuesday?!”
He said he heard that a boy was calling her and he told him to stop at recess.
I know where Adam is at all times so I’m not too worried. He’s 10. But, I was a young mom and do not want to be an even younger grandma! I feel like now is the time to set a foundation here…
When I read this note…

I decided it’s time to get some outside opinions. I am shocked at the language usage and potential innuendo. Maybe I’m just overreacting? :/
What would you do?

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20 Comments

  1. The young lady seems a bit mature for her age doesn’t she? But kids grow up so fast now a days. Since they both are so young, your son probably is more confused by the letters than anything else. I have raised both my sons, and helping with my 16 year old grandson.
    And first I would tell the little girl not to call on your cell phone, and tell you son not to give it out unless its an emergency.
    Secondly I really dont think you have to worry about things getting out of hand since you said you know where he is at all times.
    My 16 year old grandson looked at what she said and he said. “Its all silly to boys, they dont get what being a boyfriend really is. He also said that when he was 10, having a girlfriend meant you meet at your school locker lol. And since he is showing you these love notes, it tells me that he isnt taking them too seriously. Its when the notes are kept in secret that tells you its serious.
    BUT now is the time he knows about the birds and bees. TV and movies that even preteens watch are very sexual. Make sure he learns from you and not by the movies and tv and his peers.!
    I hope this helps in some way.

    1. I agree that she is way too mature on this topic for her age. πŸ™ It’s a shame really.
      Ugh, I am so nervous to have “the talk.” I’m going to have to do a lot of thinking as to how I want approach that…
      Thank you for the response! πŸ™‚

  2. Before I continue I do not have children that age. In fact, I’m a 21 year old new mommy. However, it wasn’t that long ago that I was that age and I have heard some pretty shocking things from kids in that age group. I was pretty naive as a pre-teen, but others weren’t quite so in-the-dark. Sometimes they are influenced by older siblings or other older teens that don’t think it’s such a big deal or that they’re going to learn it anyway. I know if it were me, I would go ahead and talk to my child about it. Maybe we just see the innuendo because we’re older and think with that mindset and she really didn’t mean anything by it. Of course, there is always the chance she does know what she’s talking about. I don’t think you can be too paranoid about that sort of thing. I know what I did when I was younger, and I wouldn’t put it past anyone else to be able to do the same or more.

    And believe me: I was dumb.

    1. LOL I had a “boyfriend” in fifth grade too. But I had no idea what that meant and we never even spoke. I bought him baseball cards and he bought me jewelry. Then we had friends pass the gifts. It was so innocent. I definitely never called him.
      I’m more worried about her than my son. He seems pretty uninterested in the whole thing. But she is way too aggressive, in my opinion, for this age.
      Thanks for the comment! πŸ™‚

      1. I would have to agree with you Shelley!! I worked with at risk youth and juvenile sex offenders!! YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO PARANOID WITH YOUR CHILDREN!!! My daughter is still young but I KNOW way too much that other parents couldn’t even fathom… Communication is definitely the key!! I would find out what “Love” meant to your child and build on it from there! Good Luck!
        ~Melissa

  3. I would call the little girls mother and make sure she is aware of the “relationship”. Maybe invite her and the little girl over….coffee for the moms, video games (or whatever) for Romeo & Juliet. I would be VERY present in their young romance and make sure the other mom is too. Hard to get in too much trouble when you feel eyes on you at all times.

    1. Mary, I had the same idea… but her family speaks Polish and very little English. Without a translator, I don’t know how to get through that language barrier. :/

  4. When my son was 13, he came to me with a question. A girl had asked him to be her boyfriend and he wanted to know if he could πŸ™‚ I was and am touched he trusted me enough to ask me first. If I had it to do it over again, before I told him yes I would have asked for clarification on what having a girlfriend meant. What are the ramifications son? *I think the innuendo you are feeling in the second note is that she asked him to be her boyfriend.

    Her aggressiveness got me, too. And he was not her first boyfriend. And she’d wear shirts that were lower cut than I ever would and her mother told her once (since she’d be going into the ninth grade later) that soon she’d be “freshmeat”. Seriously….what kind of mother does that?

    Anyhow, I don’t have any real suggestions on the relationship. I do think the bigger deal you make of it, the bigger it may become to your son. I’d probably just lay real low with it…. Your goal should be to always have him trust you and feel comfortable enough to share anything with you.

    I do have feedback on the notes though. I’d take them down immediately. If your son knows you’ve posted them online now, he may get upset. And if he doesn’t get upset….he may hide another note from you down the road that you’d really wish you’d been privy to because he certainly wouldn’t want that one published. I think that might cross a line.

  5. OMG! I am going through the same thing right and my son is 13. I just can’t believe how brave the girls are these days and so young. It was cute until I found out they kissed (Yikes!) and now it makes me sick to my stomach. Some people think I’m over reacting but I guess I am just worried because I too, was a really young mom (17). I wish I had some awesome advice but I don’t lol. I’m having a hard time accepting it too πŸ˜€

  6. Okay, first off, I’ll start by mentioning that my son is 15. I also have a large number of nieces and nephews. When my son first started trying to do the girlfriend/boyfriend thing, I freaked out over every little thing. Seriously….who were these little who thought they could take my baby away from me. I seriously saw them that way. I was aghast at the words I found on the first letter some little girl left IN OUR MAILBOX for me to find where she told him all about the many many boys she’d french kissed and mentioned that she wanted to do the same with him. Luckily, her father felt the same, so I was able to avert her totally misguided tendencies. I actually hope that little girl was able to feel enough love from her family and for herself to not continue that route.

    Luckily, my son was raised by a rather strong woman. His father wasn’t around, which may have had some impact on the way he saw relationships. I have come to learn that he has been quite innocent, despite how ‘serious’ it would sound when he would talk about a girl (or when I would hear her talking to/about him). I learned that I could trust him, because he understood the importance of ‘getting to know someone’. But most importantly, I learned that a lot of these young kids may not sound very innocent even though they are. They are just talking the way they hear people in movies and on tv talk when they are ‘in a relationship’. They think that it’s how they are supposed to talk to each other and because of what they’ve heard all of their lives, they don’t know any other way to express the overwhelmingly strong feelings they are having.

    The saving grace, so far, has been our relationship. In 9th grade he had his first real girlfriend. They were friends for many months before they took that step, at his insistence. He didn’t want to cheapen their relationship by ‘moving fast’. He felt it would be disrespectful towards her if it went any other way. But the night he planned on kissing her (his 1st) was homecoming and a few days before hand he said as much to me. Instead of flipping out (like I was really doing inside), I gave him the best advice I could – don’t do it in front of all your friends and don’t try anything else. I mean, he was 14, so it was going to happen soon anyways, right? The advice I gave him (and that he followed to a t) made his first kiss just as magical and sweet as anyone’s first kiss. So when he came home to tell me about it and started going on & on about how amazing life was and how that night was one he’ll never forget, I realized that I gave him something special (and something that I never had); a memory that will forever remain sweet and amazingly special.

    Just keep your relationship with him as close as you can. Talk to him about the emotions and just make sure that you stress the importance of ‘waiting’ for certain things and the reason for it. At 10, they are learning so much more than we did at the same age and they just need guidance – and to know that they can be open with their parents about these things. The moment you flip out is the moment their walls start going up and you begin to lose. It’s hard, but if you trust that he will follow the values you’ve taught him, I think he’ll make you quite proud. It’s scary, though, I know.

    Oh, and one last thing…….enjoy and relish in the knowledge that he is still just 10 years old.

  7. My son is 10 and I would freak if he was bringing home notes like this. But i would just keep a close eye on it. My son comes home everyday talking about how many girls like him and ask him out but luckily he doesn’t like any of them and turnaround them down. My husband thinks he’s behind the curve but I’m okay with that. He liked on of my friends daughters a few years back and bought her a big bear for valentines day. She bought him a bear as a friend and had no idea he liked her. When she wasn’t interested in him, he was devasted.

  8. Wow, I would want to know if my daughter was writing this type of thing to a boy. I know she has crushes, but using those words seems a little over the top. My daughter is 10, too. I would call and speak with her parents to be honest. Then again, being the mother of two daughters makes me a little paranoid. I agree that I don’t want to be a young grandmother.

  9. I have a 7 year old and while I haven’t had to deal with this type of stuff yet, I know it’s coming soon! Kids now move ALOT faster than we did due to the things they see on TV, etc. Even if you shelter your kids and keep them away from the crap on TV alot of parents don’t and your kids will be exposed to it at school. My advice would just to talk with him and have that open honesty where he can talk to you and let you know what is going on.

  10. Ugh my boyfriend had a 10 year old daughter who is “dating” a 6th grader. The drama that insues is mind boggling. They don’t go on “dates” or talk on the phone but they consider it “dating”. It all started when the current boyfriends friend asked her out. She said no and he got all pissed and slapped her behind and gave her the finger so she told her teacher and the principal. And then told us that she cant “help it how cute she is” and that all the boys like her. So shes now “dating” that kids friend. I thought my boyfriend was going to go though the roof. He told her to stop flirting with older boys. I told her how dating in elementary school is akward because you are stuck together all day, and when you break up, you still see each other everyday for all day. Plus since the class size is so small, everyone knows your business and will gossip about you.

    Those notes would have me worried too, they MAY be just innocent but in this day and age you just never know. My bfs daughter has already asked about S-E-X because her 16 year old aunt just had a baby and she sees stuff on tv at home (we keep it on disney when she is over). Luckily it has been drilled in her head that having a baby while you are still in school is not the proper thing to do, but she had heard “stuff” about other “stuff” you could get. Kids at school apparantly have nothing better to talk about in 5th grade. Her mom had given her a book, but lets face it a kid isnt going to sit down and read a book. He explained a very watered down version of STD’s and how birthcontrol wont prevent any of them and how sometimes you don’t even know someone has one because you can’t tell by looking. He explained that if she ever wants to talk he is there, and while he knows in highschool she will probably “do it” even though he wont want her to, he wants her to be open and honest about it to be safe. Thank goodness she has always been open with him about all kinds of random stuff. She saw an episode of degrassi high where the kids were doing coke so obviously she had a lot of questions which he answered but luckily the show also explained the consequences. As much as it pains him to have these types of discussions so early, he would rather her know the truth, than hear some random miss information on the playground or school bus. He has also explained what they talk about is not material for the school bus or friends because other parents might want to explain it to their child in their own way.

    1. Thank you so much for your response Diane! Gosh, I hate how fast these kids are learning things that rob you of your childhood… What happened to playing with Barbies and other toys? To be honest, I’m not as worried about boys, my son in particular, as I am about the girls. They seem to be the ones so aggressive on the topic.

      UPDATE: My son came home yesterday and said “Nikki dumped me.” He wasn’t sad or upset at all. He really hasn’t shown much emotion through this whole thing. As for the notes, I brought them to parent-teacher conferences (both teachers were shocked at the content as well) and they said they will have the school social worker have a non-nonchalant chat about this whole topic.

      Thank you so much for all your feedback! <3

  11. I have an 8 yr old girl and this makes me so afraid that she might ever do this.
    The little girl does sound so mature. I do think I would call the parents only because, boys (and I dont know your son to generalize) have a tendency to be goofy when you ask them questions so you may never get any thing out of him.
    Good luck.

  12. I think it’s time to chat with your son about what your family and your religion see as the purpose of dating. For us, the purpose of dating is to find a spouse, and at 10 you’re too young to look for a spouse. So no dating. End of story. That being said, I didn’t grow up with those rules and I had a “boyfriend” in 5th grade that I hardly talked to, and I am not really alarmed at those notes. And I think posting them online and showing them to teachers is a huge violation of privacy. If my mom had done that I would’ve totally freaked out & been secretive from her forever.
    But I know your intentions were good, and that makes you an awesome mom. Just wanted to offer my opinion!

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